I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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