We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
