does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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