what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My feet surprised me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
