"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
