then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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