it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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