so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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