i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
