Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
