this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
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