Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
