My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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