I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
