I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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