She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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