is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
