So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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