how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
