you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
