u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
