you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
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I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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