I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
