I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
