and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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