I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
