if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
