I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
