On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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