I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
