I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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