Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
