i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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