please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
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Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first