How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage