Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
