The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
