we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
