this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
