WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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