Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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