now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
