the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
