It's Friday. Sex?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
