Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
