I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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