dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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