so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
