I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i love accidental penises.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The uberlube is also flammable
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
