our cab driver is having phone sex.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
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Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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