The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
