we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
