He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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