They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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